We have a story

Life is so much easier than we make it out to be. It really is. God has got it taken care of. I sometimes like to imagine what life would be like if we already knew God's plan. Already knowing every detail that would happen might be a relief for a second, but being the humans that we are, we would get bored. I mean of course God's plan is awesome, but knowing it would remove the journey. We learn and grow. How could we grow in faith if we already knew every single move of God's plan? He has created this world and us in it for a reason. A great reason. Freedom in Christ. I believe that. That is enough for now. I still worry about things, but that is part of the story. As the story goes on, the worry dwindles and faith increases. I am so stoked to see what giving up more and more to God looks like, and until then I keep believing that where I am at is exactly part of that story. God has a plan for us, but we are already living it and it is perfect just the way it is.

I just started the book 'Hind's feet on High Places' and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I realize that during the school year I am so easily able to put off facing things that I am not allowing God to work through because my schedule can so quickly distract me. Usually when I get back home I have a lot of time to let all of these things that I am holding on to come out and it is a bit overwhelming. Its not as easy to go on and hide away from my fear of letting things go. I am reading the story of Much Afraid's journey away from Fear and off to the Higher Places with the Shepard. I feel like I am reading my own story. God is so there all the time. He offers so much grace, even when I fail to see all of the opportunities I am handed. There is so much light in all of this because we can never run away from God. Even when we think we are running away, He is always there. He always has this special gentle way of keeping our life going. The fear can never be defeated by the greatness of God, even if we so cowardly allow it to continue to live within us. Its nice to notice that all of these things seem to pile up during my time off because it is such an encouragement not to allow myself to let it all continue to happen. I do not have to continue to live in fear. I can notice that I did not hand something to God, repent, and actually give it up this time. It is a simple and pretty elementary concept, yet so many adults fail to actually respond to their mistakes with honest repentance. I am finding so much beauty in just these realizations. Thank God that we don't have to continue to live blindly fooled by the monotony of routine. We are created for so much more than that. We are created for our own stories. Those stories have progression from season to season. They tell our journeys to Higher Places.

A long drive home.

I drove from Santa Barbara to Fair Oaks yesterday. Eight hours.

Rest. It is a really great thing, and a pretty easy thing for most people to allow themselves to do, but then there are those other people that are always up doing things and never seem to allow themselves a break. Rest is so difficult for me to accept because most of the time I am just never tired...I guess it is just the way I have been programed so far. Of course I am human, and I do get worn down, but when this weird foreign feeling that some people call 'exhaustion' or 'illness' comes, I freak out and don't exactly know how to lay down for so long. I am so willing to accept a lot of gifts that are offered to me, but rest is really hard, because it puts me out of the driver's seat and makes me sit in the back without exactly knowing where I am going to go. 2011 has been the biggest transitional year of my life, probably even a bigger transition from moving away from home to Santa Barbara. I am really starting to digest the fact that I have never once sat in the drivers seat. There have been a lot of moments this year where I have accepted my role to safely sit shotgun and see my wise Father drive my life out in the sweet path He planned, but there have also been those moments where I have fought for the wheel so hard that I lose all my energy and I just have to close my eyes and lay in the back seat. Fighting for the driver's seat is exhausting, especially because we are never going to win. We can think that we are driving everything happening in our lives when things seem to be working out under our control. The world is a whole lot bigger than us, someone else drives it. No matter how hard we try to understand every detail that we want to get ahold over, its never going to happen. There are always things that we didn't account for, and that is when we get exhausted, take a step back, and let the true driver work his magic.

These last two weeks have definitely been the most challenging of the quarter. I didn't really realize that it was an intense quarter until I started looking at all of my days together and saw how much I was doing. I saw that all of my time was consumed at the studio, and I wasn't taking proper rest. Instead, I tired myself out checking my facebook, worrying about my future, and letting myself be upset at myself and others at what now I see was nothing. I guess we are humans and we learn from our mistakes. How do you rest when you have something that you are obligated to do during every hour of the day? This is pretty hard if you try to do it alone, but I am seeing that you get out of the habit of thinking that it is you, who is personally getting through every moment, and hand it to God. Rest in every moment of the day and adore the fact that this is where you are supposed to be. Technically it can all be done, and you don't have to spend extra time anticipating the fact that there is so much to be done. Your body might get tired, in that case, do what your body is telling you to do. I have learned that this is a different way of hearing the opportunities for rest.

I know that everyone says this now adays, but maybe they are all saying it because it is true. BE PRESET. Seriously, if your really present in what is happening, your state is consumed by exactly what you are in instead of what will be, has been, or are away from. If you are tired, accept it, sit down, do what tired people do until the tired is gone. If you have something that you have to do when you are tired, think about the facts: You are tired. You have something to do that you absolutely can't get out of. God loves you. God would not give you anything that couldn't be handled. You have not been handed a way out. Hmmm. With all of these factors lets do what seems to be faithfully logical. Give it to God. I mean, it should have been given to Him to begin with, but hey we are humans and we get side-tracked my what our silly worldly eyes see sometimes...thank God for grace! He has got it!

I realize that I am somewhat jumping all over the place, but its just a bit of what has been going through my mind to my heart lately. Everything that I say is what I am learning and what I am still trying to get right myself.

This morning I woke up at 6:45. (I understand that this is an odd thing to do on break, but its just been the way I work since I was seven.) I did the logical thing and woke up. I was kind of tired, but I went along with my day anyway. I drove to a yoga class that I thought started at 8am. It was closed and I found out that my class was not until 12. Bless the Lord! I drove home, baked some corn bread with the little excitement I had to give something to my brother when he woke up, and went back to bed. Rest. This morning is very much how I am handling things lately. I am learning to accept rest. Sure, I don't take the hints right away (I really like to think I am driving) but God gracefully gives me more hints. So I guess I am learning from my mistakes and successes everyday...now I really hope I can do more than learn and reflect, but actually act on all of this.

I doubt that people can see the beauty of the matter that are burdened with exhaustion and fatigue. Life is easier than that. We never need to pick up the wheel, frankly we don't possess the means for that.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-29.

God is so good. Life is so good. I am so grateful to be alive and thankful to be here. Right here. Present. Available for all of the scenery out the window on this sweet ride I don't have to drive at all. It is all part of that long drive home.

Cloud 9 for life

Ever walk on cloud 9? Ever walk on cloud 9 so long that you feel yourself about to fall because there is just no way you could be this high for so long? I know I have. I have this friendly acquaintance with a character named guilt. Maybe you've heard of him? Anyways, he likes to come in and ruin my party up above on cloud 9 and tell me that there is no way that I can be this happy and free from him for this long and to get down immediately. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly aware of how blessed I am, and quite thankful. But then I go on the news and read about the millions of starving orphans in Africa, see fellow friends struggling to pay rent and tuition all on their own, and see a mother pushing her baby in a carriage carrying recycled alcohol containers in the basket to put food on the table. I go about my days and see what has been handed to me, where my efforts are devoted, and how much of my day brings me joy. And then the guilt chimes in.

"Why you? You aren't this deserving. What have you done to help this world. Feel bad about how spoiled you are and get out there and start working like everyone else. Live up to those standards that society has for you already and stop being so caught up in this peace of yours that gets your through everyday with a smile. "

My struggle with guilt has been exposed to me several times over the last couple of months. I have discovered that guilt is not a character out to get me, but something inside of me that holds me back because I fear allowing myself to accept my blessings. Why is so much good scary? It is scary because it is out of my control what I am given...and not being in control of my life is a scary thing. But the thing is, I am where I am for a reason. The things I am given are out of my control, and therefor are gifts. I did not ask for the means to be able to study dance in a beautiful Santa Barbara with an overwhelmingly kind community and supportive family back home. Nor did I ask for God to forgive me of all of my sins. I am correct in assuming that I am undeserving of all of these blessings, but nor am I deserving of punishment. God gave me these things for a greater purpose. Just as God gave all of humanity Jesus Christ for the greatest purpose, salvation.

I am not saying that I am ignoring those out there who are suffering and trying to remain in my happy little bubble. What I am trying to get at is that no amount of blessings or happiness defines true joy. And all of these things I talk about, studying what I love, having a sturdy home, good friends, ect, these are just details. My true joy does not come from these things, but in the fact that my identity is secure in Christ. I know that all of my debts are paid for. There is nothing I could do, nothing materialistic that I could give up to prove how much of my identity rests in Christ. Nor is there any reason to prove anything to anyone, including myself. It is true that these things might inevitably occur as one allows the Spirit to enter them and overflow into the world. Working for the sake of works is no way to salvation. Why would you do that? To get a temporary pat on the back for feeding the hobos. Yes, the homeless need to be fed, and I'd rather have someone feed them for self-assuring reasons then not having them fed at all, but unfortunately that is not going to lead to joy. Why the heck do we even seek true joy? Because it is true to ones heart. Because we know that true joy is contagious, and true joy is not something to keep to yourself....because its just so great that you want everyone to know about it and get in on it!

So this whole guilt thing...it is not true. It is the same thing as living vicariously from pleasure to pleasure. When the pleasure is gone...so is the happiness. That aint true joy. But it one has joy, it is not wrong to be joyful about it. I know this is kind of a backwards thing to be going through, but I am finding that it stems from my need to live up to society's, family's, and my own FALSE expectations. Those expectations are created my ME. They don't exist. If I don't live up to 'the plan' the world is not going to explode or anything. If I rest all of my identity in them then it is very likely that I will have some sort of a meltdown and my 'joy' and peace will be temporarily disturbed. So these disturbances in my joy have revealed to me how much more there is to give. And my 'so much more' I do not mean those tangible things that I love, but the super complicated knots I have tied up to them. They are a lot tighter than I thought.

But fear not reader, for the good news is that Jesus meets us where we are at.....ALWAYS! Another nice fact is that its pretty certain that the majority of the people out there are going through identical mini-identity crisis's...they are just covered up by different 'details.' These people can talk to you, exchange advise and show you that you are not a crazy person stuck in the muck in your head. And the even BETTER news is that God put you exactly where you are, even if you have fought against it, God knew it, and is working with it. He sent Jesus down to pay the price for all of these ties that we have made with the world. Yes, we are of the flesh, so we will never stop sinning, but our willingness to seek God and be with Him always is enough to reach salvation. He knows, and grows happy when we recognize Him and what He did for us.

Hopefully you understand at what I am getting at. If so, great, if not and you are ever struggling with any sort of guilt for receiving what you are given, just rest, receive what is there for you....its there for a reason...one might even go so far as to say for THE reason. Being on cloud 9 is not a reason to feel guilty. Real cloud 9 never goes away...you may jump down for a little moment, but He will always lend the helping hand back up to stay forever in the Kingdom.

Jesus said it right. He tells us to not feel guilt over what is out of our control.

"You would have not power over me if it had not been given to you from above." (John 19:11)

Blindfolded

Imagine that you live life with a blindfold on. Your whole life is about figuring out how to get around in this world hidden by this blindfold. The only thing you let guide you are the things in which you can actually perceive with your senses. Your heart is shaped by your self gain and what others, also blinded, tell you to believe. Even though you can't see everything, there is someone that can actually see the world for what it really is. This someone is actually a really trustworthy friend. The whole time this friend that is trying to hold your hand and guide you to where your heart really wants to go. You keep resisting the guidance of this friend, even though this friend says that they have a much clearer perspective of what is going on. Somehow you just can't seem to trust this friend, but something inside of you knows that this friend really does know your heart, and is going to lead you out of this dark world and into the light. Slowly but surely you decide to trust this friend. It is really scary to trust this friend because you cannot see Him, but you can feel him. He is promising to transform your life and give you everything in your wildest dreams, but only if you trust Him. Trusting him means completely letting go of what you previously had planned in your blinded world that you used to walk alone in. You must untie the knots that you have tightened that kept you comfortably attached to this dark world, and at times it is really challenging because you let these knots get really complicated. Luckily this friend completely unties all of these knots for you, you just have to let Him completely work in you. He doesn't want to untie half of these knots, He wants to untie all of them. It is the only way that He is going to be able to take you to the light. As you grow to trust this Friend more and more, you don't even care where He is taking you, because you know that it is good, because the painful knots are being untied and you are gaining sight of light. Soon you are able to walk with a truthful vision of the world, but only because you trust this friend so much that you never let go of His hand. This friend of yours is God. The blindfold is only untied by faith. The knots are idols. The great news is that no matter if you let God in or not, He is always going to have your back. Why? Because He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But why would you want to remain in the darkness when you could finally see light? Soon you aren't even concerned where this friend takes you, just so long as it is with Him. The whole walk is exciting and full of grace from His love. It is overwhelmingly beautiful. You can't help but to wait patiently in the dark because you know that He will come again, take your hand and take you to the Light. You just have to give it to Him.

"Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see we wait with endurance." Romans 8:24-25

A Sunset.

I took this at Sands last night, right outside of IV. I really don't know why I am not out there every night watching the sunset. This almost seems unreal to me. Perhaps there is a fine reason as to why things existing in this world that are so beautiful seem out of this world.

"My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here." John 18:36

One real good pie.

This summer has been full of really amazing blessings. My first seven weeks have been devoted to studying dance in San Francisco, California and Tel Aviv, Israel. If I could sum it up in one sentence it is this: Dance has changed forever in all of the best ways possible. I have learned that I have a lot of knots tied to the identity of being a dancer. I felt a lot of guilt for a while and even felt as though dance was going to be taken away from me. Oh silly girl, punishing herself for this oh too common sin of resting in the comfort of an identity. Punishment?...sounds like karma. That aint how it works in the Kingdom. God does not want to take away things to punish us, He wants to change our hearts for Him so that we no longer need these things we are tied to. In this way, we hand these things back to him, and that is the fruit of the Lord. And why would dance be taken away? Is dance a sin? No. Attachment to the identity of being a dancer is the problem. Dance is a gift...a gift to glorify and explore His beauty. It is such a wonderful means of expressing a message, whether that be an important one or not, it is another language to speak to the nations. Its kind of rad.

So now I am at this place where I see that there is a really

wonderful relationship I got going on with God, but its not just me. There is so much more out there. So how are these blessings poured out to other people? I wanted to know so badly so that I could go out into the world and 'do' something about it...keep writing my life out for myself. But wait...isn't that another attachment? Oops...yeah I guess so. So how do I combat that? Without doing anything but remaining in the Word. At my first night back at Adorn, Reality Carpenteria, I was searching for a 'feeling' of presence. Once again, silly girl. I was looking for 'something to do,' to be the author of my own story again. There is a blindfold metaphor that I will go further into another day, but basically I think a lot. Too much sometimes. These thoughts inside of my head are dangerous because I start conjuring up what I 'ought' to be doing for the Lord. I looked up as I sat on my knees during worship looking for those answers that I oh too often seek. The words "HOLY BIBLE" stood above my head hanging off the podium. Well thanks God. The Word.

"If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Ironically, this is the first bible verse I have ever encountered, last April. I found it in the back of a set of reading articles I had was assigned for Latin American Iberian Studies class.

There was not much biblical reference, nor was this verse part of the reading, it was just accidently included in the set of pages I printed from my professor's Email. I accidentally read this verse. Funny huh? Well the book of John has had a lot for me lately, especially this verse.

I see my life becoming so much simpler. Now simpler does not mean easier. REST. It is a hard concept for me to grasp. I am a doer, as one could see if they noted the numerous homemade pies made while I am bored. Lately God really wants me to take things easy as far as the load and really invest quality time into the few obligations I do have. (at first acceptance of this I made one really great pie instead of 5 ok ones.) Ever since I entered UCSB I knew I would be double majoring. That part of my agenda has been pruned off, as I know that I wan

t to put everything into my dance BFA. Not only will I be able to explore dance without the burden of extra schoolwork, but I will have time to give those blessings back. I have a lot of ideas that have entered my heart for the coming school year for dance and beyond and I am very curious and excited to see what He unfolds for me.

Not only am I excited for these ideas, but I am excited to rest and make really great pies.

Humble pie? You could just take Alanzo's class.

A good mama will always offer a nice old hunk of humble pie to go along with every advance we get in life. I feel like I have been offered a large slice of that pie just about everyday...and today seemed to be the largest slice yet, with some extra filling and maybe whipped cream.

Today I took one of the most physically and mentally challenging ballet classes of my life, taught by Alanzo King. Mr. King is a renowned figure in the dance world, as well as a radical choreographer in the art of ballet. The class was 3 hours long, beginning with a whopping round of ab exercises to expose our lack of strength and let us know how much stronger we need to become. The rest of class went pretty much like a regular ballet class, except for repeating each exercise at least three more times than usual and extensive commentary from Alanzo. This repetition did not fail to soak my leotard of sweat and remind me of how much there is to pay attention to in dance. But I have to tell you, I was so incredibly inside yet out of my body during his entire class. Even though I knew I was doing so many things imperfectly, I never wanted it to end! Alanzo King was intimidating, powerful, bold, funny, passionate, and humble. I remember him asking us, "How do children learn?" He was really just teaching dance from a very humble and genuine place. Yes, he was harsh and had little patience for mistakes, but that is only because he cared about us growing so much. He knew that the only way help us out and have us really improve, was not by spoonfeeding us the combinations and telling us how good we were. No, Alanzo knew that he had to tell it like it was, no sugar-coating, but RAW DANCE TRUTH.

And the truth of the matter was that we were lazy....in fact the whole world is lazy. We get comfortable doing things a certain way, and though they may seem legitimate compared to other lifestyles or habits, for us, we really aren't moving at the speed that we were made to move. Everything that Alanzo had to say was so true about dance, but also life.

No let me say, I have been struggling with this conflict of striving to improve in dance, because it requires me to muscle through a lot of things and put out a lot of effort. Isn't that what the gospel tells me not to do? Well, in a way yes. We are not put in this world to merely work out our own efforts, but instead let the Spirit within us carry our actions into righteousness. It is very easy to misinterpret what a worldly achievement is versus a spiritual one. I have been having a tough time deciding whether my efforts in dance are really worth while because they offer me satisfaction because of the efforts I put out. But this is where I am wrong. I put the effort out in my dancing because I have a passion for it. With this in mind, I have been learning everyday that the only was to advance past a certain point in dance is to relax. (Hmm...relying on something other than my personal effots...sounds awfully familiar.) It is the passion in my heart that is brought about because of a higher power that I have no control over. Suppressing this desire would not be right, because I would be denying something that is so True to my spirit.

God created our bodies out of matter...matter that needs food, air, water, and something to lift our spirits up. For me, dance is kind of essential to my body. It satisfies a different kind of hunger...a physical, spiritual and mental one. I learn so much everyday through moving, and usually the movement acts as a metaphor for the greater lessons that life offers me. Wow...I realize that I just brought the cheese again...I guess you are getting used to that theme of mine.

Anywho, Alanzo gave us a lot of words of advice, but there were a couple that I think anyone, dancer or not, could hear.

1. You need to want it. You need to know you can do it. You need to make yourself do it.

I know we are back to that whole 'succeed in this world' thing again. Right? Wrong. I mean, you can apply this to the 'successful business man' world, but try applying it to your relationship with God. You have to want you relationship with God to happen. You have to have faith in Him, yourself, and the potential to make it happen. And most importantly, you have to actually act upon it. This last part, the 'acting upon it' part, I feel people misinterpret. We do not 'try' to be good people, we just do it. If you are trying, then it is not natural. You are faking it, it isn't legitimate. The only way to actually obey commandments and not sin is to have full faith in God and let yourself give up your life to Him. Same in dance. You have to want to dance, know you can achieve things, believe in the capabilities of your body, and do the damn thing! It is so easy to let yourself continue to journal about God, read the bible, blog about life, and talk about finally giving your desires up for God, but never actually doing it. It is so easy to stand at the ballet barre and listen to the corrections, think about them for a while, practice them apart from the exercise, but never actually implement improvement when it comes down to knitty gritty work time. 'We have to want it.' I believe there are two categories of 'wants' in our lives. The ones that are true to the Law of Nature (morality and such) and the ones that aren't (selfishness.) Wanting things is not bad, just so long as you can tell which things you want are good and which ones are bad. Usually you just know, because the way of maintaining these 'wants' reveals the morality by whether or not you sin to get there. You can also tell by that natural way of just knowing good from evil. And do not tell me you do not know this...if you forgot, that thing called guilt can remind you.

2. As an artist, you must be willing to give your everything up.

Yes! As an artist, we must be willing to give it all away. Expose everything....our joys, sorrows, pains, gratitudes, we tell the whole world everything. Not only that, but we have to give up our comfort. As a dancer, this may mean being physically pushed to places that we thought were impossible. But then once you pass that threshold, the rewards for pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone are evident in the wider range of movement vocabulary your physical exertion has created. In other words, you dance better and you feel it!

Yes! As a person, child of God, we must be willing to give up the worldly comforts that separate us further from God. We get these inhibitions to live happy and safe lives because it is easy. It is even easier to think that these lives aren't easy, because we still have to work for money, stress about the future and control things in our lives. But that is just the thing, we are comfortable controlling things on our own. We can only do this for so long until our bodies and mind just get so tired of muscling through it. We break. If we had just given up this comfortable life to begin with, everything would have been so much easier. Once we passed this threshold, the rewards for pushing ourselves beyond our attainable and comfortable lifestyles would be obvious in a joy that never fades, lack of stress, and our ability to remain steady during the tough times.

I swear, Alanzo is preaching Gospel whether he knows it or not. His ballet class is breaking me down just as much as the words C.S. Lewis during my BART commute to the city everyday. Its so wonderful that we can totally be taken away from this world while we are still on it. During our class today, I was totally oblivious to the fact that San Francisco was pouring rain, I was incredibly dehydrated, and my body was at its edge, because something deeper was driving me to do it. Something deeper and truer than any sort of comfortable dream thought up of because of living in the 'real world.' With every exercise I realized more and more how imperfect I am, but how ok I am about it because that is why I take class. That is why I am here. I am here to become a better dancer. That is why I live. I am here to become a better person. There is a reason for this 'want' and it is not a comfortable thing to realize.