Beautiful gross truth.

"Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox."
 Proverbs 14:4

Like almost everyone I know, I find stepping out of my habits challenging. If you know me really well you would understand the level of habit that I am talking about. I really don't believe that there is anything wrong with habit in itself. I am discovering that it's the attachment to our habits that halts the growth that is in store for us.
Everyday I see how beautiful honesty is. I would go so far as to suggest that beauty is synonymous for honesty. Looking at a sunset is beautiful. Giving someone your honesty is beautiful. Being honest with someone is pretty much like giving them a gorgeous view of an awesome sunset, at least that is how I feel when someone totally dismisses all of their 'stuff' just to be real with me. It may seem ugly, gross, awkward or weird to show the truth...but that doesn't mean that speaking the truth is not beautiful. It means that we are actually going places.
I have been challenged by seeing that I have attachments to a lot of things in this world...more than I had anticipated. That is where I am at, and that is ok. I'd rather be honest about that than live in any sort of cover-up. Continuing life in the cover-up may be clean and dandy, nor does it seem like I am hurting anyone. But there is so much more! There is a sunset out there waiting for me to see. And I get to see it. Nothing is holding me back. Yes, getting there might be a little messy, but the truth is so sweet. I might have to sleep all day after I get there, but I know that when I wake up I am at a newer, freer and stronger place than I was at before.
We kind of get to do this our whole lives. The excitement really never ends once we see that sunset. Because God always digs deeper to take us closer to Him. At the same time, He comes down to where we are at to do the digging and then walks us up the messy, but beautiful, path to see that sunset.

Hope in the hurt

It is Tuesday of dead week. Week 10 of winter quarter....like many dancers I have talked to today, my body kind of hurts. I have had a lot of time in the studio this quarter...so much that I am really glad that I did not feel as though things were getting monotonous until this week. So what changed? It definitely was not my rehearsal schedule. That has remained pretty consistent all quarter long...which is basically a lot, not too much, but a lot. I have been reluctant to admit that to myself because I know that so many other people have schedules very similar to mine and even busier. I love what I study so for me the more the merrier. What happens when what you want does not actually live up to the part you love about it? I feel no different about dance than I did before, I have even been surprised when people tell me 'its just hard sometimes,' because yeah it gets hard, but it is so good and totally worth it. I am now eating my words because I am saying the same thing. It is hard right now. Actually it always was and it always will be. It is whether we see things as difficult or not. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. There is something bitter that I am not allowing myself to let go of. I have got to admit, sometimes I take the lazy, somewhat prideful way out, and ignore these feelings of bitterness. I know that there is so much goodness I can be soaking up, so I ignore grace and allow myself to tuck that bitterness away so that I can go straight to the good stuff. But the good stuff exists in the releasing of the bad.

Comparing myself to other people. Blaming myself for not becoming a better dancer. Blaming my classes for not giving me the class I need. Blaming other people's attitudes influencing me. Only seeing my lack of ability or lack of natural talent. Taking myself to seriously. Taking my life personally.

Its all a lie. It is all not I was made to live up to. I was not created to live up to the silly expectations that I made up in my mind. How can I think that my meager and selfishly motivated efforts are actually going to lead to TRUE happiness?

Contrary to my current state, I really feel that these feeling have not been running my quarter by any means. Actually for the first time, I truly have been feeling free from all of these things. Allowing myself to be worthy of freedom has been liberating. Perhaps it is because I am finally letting go of myself and letting truth not just be known in my mind, but actually begin to run some of my life. I have been happy this quarter. I know that I fear not being right with people. I am have no problem owning up to my mistakes and recognizing my imperfections. What I do is let myself live by the limits of those 'mistakes.' I find that I feel guilty allowing myself to be upset because it displeases people and really myself too. But that is not honest. That is halfway honest with myself. It is ok to be upset. I mean its in the painful circumstances that we actually see our faith the clearest. Its seeing the good in the pain, without living off of the pain itself, but understanding the grace completely wiping that weakness out forever.

So maybe the things that I am doing do not make me overwhelmingly joyful all of the time. Maybe I feel pain, but I only stay there for fear of not getting out. And I know I cannot get out alone. I, alone, have the choice to let love in. Love is there to ALWAYS mend those wounds and make those parts that were hurt stronger than ever. When we see the grace of love we soon allow ourselves to live in the faith we had all along. Its that pain that gives you clear eyes to see it.

Things are hard sometimes. It hurts. But it hurts so good. It is not pain that decides the person that I am. It is love.