Beautiful gross truth.

"Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox."
 Proverbs 14:4

Like almost everyone I know, I find stepping out of my habits challenging. If you know me really well you would understand the level of habit that I am talking about. I really don't believe that there is anything wrong with habit in itself. I am discovering that it's the attachment to our habits that halts the growth that is in store for us.
Everyday I see how beautiful honesty is. I would go so far as to suggest that beauty is synonymous for honesty. Looking at a sunset is beautiful. Giving someone your honesty is beautiful. Being honest with someone is pretty much like giving them a gorgeous view of an awesome sunset, at least that is how I feel when someone totally dismisses all of their 'stuff' just to be real with me. It may seem ugly, gross, awkward or weird to show the truth...but that doesn't mean that speaking the truth is not beautiful. It means that we are actually going places.
I have been challenged by seeing that I have attachments to a lot of things in this world...more than I had anticipated. That is where I am at, and that is ok. I'd rather be honest about that than live in any sort of cover-up. Continuing life in the cover-up may be clean and dandy, nor does it seem like I am hurting anyone. But there is so much more! There is a sunset out there waiting for me to see. And I get to see it. Nothing is holding me back. Yes, getting there might be a little messy, but the truth is so sweet. I might have to sleep all day after I get there, but I know that when I wake up I am at a newer, freer and stronger place than I was at before.
We kind of get to do this our whole lives. The excitement really never ends once we see that sunset. Because God always digs deeper to take us closer to Him. At the same time, He comes down to where we are at to do the digging and then walks us up the messy, but beautiful, path to see that sunset.

Hope in the hurt

It is Tuesday of dead week. Week 10 of winter quarter....like many dancers I have talked to today, my body kind of hurts. I have had a lot of time in the studio this quarter...so much that I am really glad that I did not feel as though things were getting monotonous until this week. So what changed? It definitely was not my rehearsal schedule. That has remained pretty consistent all quarter long...which is basically a lot, not too much, but a lot. I have been reluctant to admit that to myself because I know that so many other people have schedules very similar to mine and even busier. I love what I study so for me the more the merrier. What happens when what you want does not actually live up to the part you love about it? I feel no different about dance than I did before, I have even been surprised when people tell me 'its just hard sometimes,' because yeah it gets hard, but it is so good and totally worth it. I am now eating my words because I am saying the same thing. It is hard right now. Actually it always was and it always will be. It is whether we see things as difficult or not. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. There is something bitter that I am not allowing myself to let go of. I have got to admit, sometimes I take the lazy, somewhat prideful way out, and ignore these feelings of bitterness. I know that there is so much goodness I can be soaking up, so I ignore grace and allow myself to tuck that bitterness away so that I can go straight to the good stuff. But the good stuff exists in the releasing of the bad.

Comparing myself to other people. Blaming myself for not becoming a better dancer. Blaming my classes for not giving me the class I need. Blaming other people's attitudes influencing me. Only seeing my lack of ability or lack of natural talent. Taking myself to seriously. Taking my life personally.

Its all a lie. It is all not I was made to live up to. I was not created to live up to the silly expectations that I made up in my mind. How can I think that my meager and selfishly motivated efforts are actually going to lead to TRUE happiness?

Contrary to my current state, I really feel that these feeling have not been running my quarter by any means. Actually for the first time, I truly have been feeling free from all of these things. Allowing myself to be worthy of freedom has been liberating. Perhaps it is because I am finally letting go of myself and letting truth not just be known in my mind, but actually begin to run some of my life. I have been happy this quarter. I know that I fear not being right with people. I am have no problem owning up to my mistakes and recognizing my imperfections. What I do is let myself live by the limits of those 'mistakes.' I find that I feel guilty allowing myself to be upset because it displeases people and really myself too. But that is not honest. That is halfway honest with myself. It is ok to be upset. I mean its in the painful circumstances that we actually see our faith the clearest. Its seeing the good in the pain, without living off of the pain itself, but understanding the grace completely wiping that weakness out forever.

So maybe the things that I am doing do not make me overwhelmingly joyful all of the time. Maybe I feel pain, but I only stay there for fear of not getting out. And I know I cannot get out alone. I, alone, have the choice to let love in. Love is there to ALWAYS mend those wounds and make those parts that were hurt stronger than ever. When we see the grace of love we soon allow ourselves to live in the faith we had all along. Its that pain that gives you clear eyes to see it.

Things are hard sometimes. It hurts. But it hurts so good. It is not pain that decides the person that I am. It is love.

We have a story

Life is so much easier than we make it out to be. It really is. God has got it taken care of. I sometimes like to imagine what life would be like if we already knew God's plan. Already knowing every detail that would happen might be a relief for a second, but being the humans that we are, we would get bored. I mean of course God's plan is awesome, but knowing it would remove the journey. We learn and grow. How could we grow in faith if we already knew every single move of God's plan? He has created this world and us in it for a reason. A great reason. Freedom in Christ. I believe that. That is enough for now. I still worry about things, but that is part of the story. As the story goes on, the worry dwindles and faith increases. I am so stoked to see what giving up more and more to God looks like, and until then I keep believing that where I am at is exactly part of that story. God has a plan for us, but we are already living it and it is perfect just the way it is.

I just started the book 'Hind's feet on High Places' and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I realize that during the school year I am so easily able to put off facing things that I am not allowing God to work through because my schedule can so quickly distract me. Usually when I get back home I have a lot of time to let all of these things that I am holding on to come out and it is a bit overwhelming. Its not as easy to go on and hide away from my fear of letting things go. I am reading the story of Much Afraid's journey away from Fear and off to the Higher Places with the Shepard. I feel like I am reading my own story. God is so there all the time. He offers so much grace, even when I fail to see all of the opportunities I am handed. There is so much light in all of this because we can never run away from God. Even when we think we are running away, He is always there. He always has this special gentle way of keeping our life going. The fear can never be defeated by the greatness of God, even if we so cowardly allow it to continue to live within us. Its nice to notice that all of these things seem to pile up during my time off because it is such an encouragement not to allow myself to let it all continue to happen. I do not have to continue to live in fear. I can notice that I did not hand something to God, repent, and actually give it up this time. It is a simple and pretty elementary concept, yet so many adults fail to actually respond to their mistakes with honest repentance. I am finding so much beauty in just these realizations. Thank God that we don't have to continue to live blindly fooled by the monotony of routine. We are created for so much more than that. We are created for our own stories. Those stories have progression from season to season. They tell our journeys to Higher Places.

A long drive home.

I drove from Santa Barbara to Fair Oaks yesterday. Eight hours.

Rest. It is a really great thing, and a pretty easy thing for most people to allow themselves to do, but then there are those other people that are always up doing things and never seem to allow themselves a break. Rest is so difficult for me to accept because most of the time I am just never tired...I guess it is just the way I have been programed so far. Of course I am human, and I do get worn down, but when this weird foreign feeling that some people call 'exhaustion' or 'illness' comes, I freak out and don't exactly know how to lay down for so long. I am so willing to accept a lot of gifts that are offered to me, but rest is really hard, because it puts me out of the driver's seat and makes me sit in the back without exactly knowing where I am going to go. 2011 has been the biggest transitional year of my life, probably even a bigger transition from moving away from home to Santa Barbara. I am really starting to digest the fact that I have never once sat in the drivers seat. There have been a lot of moments this year where I have accepted my role to safely sit shotgun and see my wise Father drive my life out in the sweet path He planned, but there have also been those moments where I have fought for the wheel so hard that I lose all my energy and I just have to close my eyes and lay in the back seat. Fighting for the driver's seat is exhausting, especially because we are never going to win. We can think that we are driving everything happening in our lives when things seem to be working out under our control. The world is a whole lot bigger than us, someone else drives it. No matter how hard we try to understand every detail that we want to get ahold over, its never going to happen. There are always things that we didn't account for, and that is when we get exhausted, take a step back, and let the true driver work his magic.

These last two weeks have definitely been the most challenging of the quarter. I didn't really realize that it was an intense quarter until I started looking at all of my days together and saw how much I was doing. I saw that all of my time was consumed at the studio, and I wasn't taking proper rest. Instead, I tired myself out checking my facebook, worrying about my future, and letting myself be upset at myself and others at what now I see was nothing. I guess we are humans and we learn from our mistakes. How do you rest when you have something that you are obligated to do during every hour of the day? This is pretty hard if you try to do it alone, but I am seeing that you get out of the habit of thinking that it is you, who is personally getting through every moment, and hand it to God. Rest in every moment of the day and adore the fact that this is where you are supposed to be. Technically it can all be done, and you don't have to spend extra time anticipating the fact that there is so much to be done. Your body might get tired, in that case, do what your body is telling you to do. I have learned that this is a different way of hearing the opportunities for rest.

I know that everyone says this now adays, but maybe they are all saying it because it is true. BE PRESET. Seriously, if your really present in what is happening, your state is consumed by exactly what you are in instead of what will be, has been, or are away from. If you are tired, accept it, sit down, do what tired people do until the tired is gone. If you have something that you have to do when you are tired, think about the facts: You are tired. You have something to do that you absolutely can't get out of. God loves you. God would not give you anything that couldn't be handled. You have not been handed a way out. Hmmm. With all of these factors lets do what seems to be faithfully logical. Give it to God. I mean, it should have been given to Him to begin with, but hey we are humans and we get side-tracked my what our silly worldly eyes see sometimes...thank God for grace! He has got it!

I realize that I am somewhat jumping all over the place, but its just a bit of what has been going through my mind to my heart lately. Everything that I say is what I am learning and what I am still trying to get right myself.

This morning I woke up at 6:45. (I understand that this is an odd thing to do on break, but its just been the way I work since I was seven.) I did the logical thing and woke up. I was kind of tired, but I went along with my day anyway. I drove to a yoga class that I thought started at 8am. It was closed and I found out that my class was not until 12. Bless the Lord! I drove home, baked some corn bread with the little excitement I had to give something to my brother when he woke up, and went back to bed. Rest. This morning is very much how I am handling things lately. I am learning to accept rest. Sure, I don't take the hints right away (I really like to think I am driving) but God gracefully gives me more hints. So I guess I am learning from my mistakes and successes everyday...now I really hope I can do more than learn and reflect, but actually act on all of this.

I doubt that people can see the beauty of the matter that are burdened with exhaustion and fatigue. Life is easier than that. We never need to pick up the wheel, frankly we don't possess the means for that.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-29.

God is so good. Life is so good. I am so grateful to be alive and thankful to be here. Right here. Present. Available for all of the scenery out the window on this sweet ride I don't have to drive at all. It is all part of that long drive home.

Cloud 9 for life

Ever walk on cloud 9? Ever walk on cloud 9 so long that you feel yourself about to fall because there is just no way you could be this high for so long? I know I have. I have this friendly acquaintance with a character named guilt. Maybe you've heard of him? Anyways, he likes to come in and ruin my party up above on cloud 9 and tell me that there is no way that I can be this happy and free from him for this long and to get down immediately. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly aware of how blessed I am, and quite thankful. But then I go on the news and read about the millions of starving orphans in Africa, see fellow friends struggling to pay rent and tuition all on their own, and see a mother pushing her baby in a carriage carrying recycled alcohol containers in the basket to put food on the table. I go about my days and see what has been handed to me, where my efforts are devoted, and how much of my day brings me joy. And then the guilt chimes in.

"Why you? You aren't this deserving. What have you done to help this world. Feel bad about how spoiled you are and get out there and start working like everyone else. Live up to those standards that society has for you already and stop being so caught up in this peace of yours that gets your through everyday with a smile. "

My struggle with guilt has been exposed to me several times over the last couple of months. I have discovered that guilt is not a character out to get me, but something inside of me that holds me back because I fear allowing myself to accept my blessings. Why is so much good scary? It is scary because it is out of my control what I am given...and not being in control of my life is a scary thing. But the thing is, I am where I am for a reason. The things I am given are out of my control, and therefor are gifts. I did not ask for the means to be able to study dance in a beautiful Santa Barbara with an overwhelmingly kind community and supportive family back home. Nor did I ask for God to forgive me of all of my sins. I am correct in assuming that I am undeserving of all of these blessings, but nor am I deserving of punishment. God gave me these things for a greater purpose. Just as God gave all of humanity Jesus Christ for the greatest purpose, salvation.

I am not saying that I am ignoring those out there who are suffering and trying to remain in my happy little bubble. What I am trying to get at is that no amount of blessings or happiness defines true joy. And all of these things I talk about, studying what I love, having a sturdy home, good friends, ect, these are just details. My true joy does not come from these things, but in the fact that my identity is secure in Christ. I know that all of my debts are paid for. There is nothing I could do, nothing materialistic that I could give up to prove how much of my identity rests in Christ. Nor is there any reason to prove anything to anyone, including myself. It is true that these things might inevitably occur as one allows the Spirit to enter them and overflow into the world. Working for the sake of works is no way to salvation. Why would you do that? To get a temporary pat on the back for feeding the hobos. Yes, the homeless need to be fed, and I'd rather have someone feed them for self-assuring reasons then not having them fed at all, but unfortunately that is not going to lead to joy. Why the heck do we even seek true joy? Because it is true to ones heart. Because we know that true joy is contagious, and true joy is not something to keep to yourself....because its just so great that you want everyone to know about it and get in on it!

So this whole guilt thing...it is not true. It is the same thing as living vicariously from pleasure to pleasure. When the pleasure is gone...so is the happiness. That aint true joy. But it one has joy, it is not wrong to be joyful about it. I know this is kind of a backwards thing to be going through, but I am finding that it stems from my need to live up to society's, family's, and my own FALSE expectations. Those expectations are created my ME. They don't exist. If I don't live up to 'the plan' the world is not going to explode or anything. If I rest all of my identity in them then it is very likely that I will have some sort of a meltdown and my 'joy' and peace will be temporarily disturbed. So these disturbances in my joy have revealed to me how much more there is to give. And my 'so much more' I do not mean those tangible things that I love, but the super complicated knots I have tied up to them. They are a lot tighter than I thought.

But fear not reader, for the good news is that Jesus meets us where we are at.....ALWAYS! Another nice fact is that its pretty certain that the majority of the people out there are going through identical mini-identity crisis's...they are just covered up by different 'details.' These people can talk to you, exchange advise and show you that you are not a crazy person stuck in the muck in your head. And the even BETTER news is that God put you exactly where you are, even if you have fought against it, God knew it, and is working with it. He sent Jesus down to pay the price for all of these ties that we have made with the world. Yes, we are of the flesh, so we will never stop sinning, but our willingness to seek God and be with Him always is enough to reach salvation. He knows, and grows happy when we recognize Him and what He did for us.

Hopefully you understand at what I am getting at. If so, great, if not and you are ever struggling with any sort of guilt for receiving what you are given, just rest, receive what is there for you....its there for a reason...one might even go so far as to say for THE reason. Being on cloud 9 is not a reason to feel guilty. Real cloud 9 never goes away...you may jump down for a little moment, but He will always lend the helping hand back up to stay forever in the Kingdom.

Jesus said it right. He tells us to not feel guilt over what is out of our control.

"You would have not power over me if it had not been given to you from above." (John 19:11)

Blindfolded

Imagine that you live life with a blindfold on. Your whole life is about figuring out how to get around in this world hidden by this blindfold. The only thing you let guide you are the things in which you can actually perceive with your senses. Your heart is shaped by your self gain and what others, also blinded, tell you to believe. Even though you can't see everything, there is someone that can actually see the world for what it really is. This someone is actually a really trustworthy friend. The whole time this friend that is trying to hold your hand and guide you to where your heart really wants to go. You keep resisting the guidance of this friend, even though this friend says that they have a much clearer perspective of what is going on. Somehow you just can't seem to trust this friend, but something inside of you knows that this friend really does know your heart, and is going to lead you out of this dark world and into the light. Slowly but surely you decide to trust this friend. It is really scary to trust this friend because you cannot see Him, but you can feel him. He is promising to transform your life and give you everything in your wildest dreams, but only if you trust Him. Trusting him means completely letting go of what you previously had planned in your blinded world that you used to walk alone in. You must untie the knots that you have tightened that kept you comfortably attached to this dark world, and at times it is really challenging because you let these knots get really complicated. Luckily this friend completely unties all of these knots for you, you just have to let Him completely work in you. He doesn't want to untie half of these knots, He wants to untie all of them. It is the only way that He is going to be able to take you to the light. As you grow to trust this Friend more and more, you don't even care where He is taking you, because you know that it is good, because the painful knots are being untied and you are gaining sight of light. Soon you are able to walk with a truthful vision of the world, but only because you trust this friend so much that you never let go of His hand. This friend of yours is God. The blindfold is only untied by faith. The knots are idols. The great news is that no matter if you let God in or not, He is always going to have your back. Why? Because He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But why would you want to remain in the darkness when you could finally see light? Soon you aren't even concerned where this friend takes you, just so long as it is with Him. The whole walk is exciting and full of grace from His love. It is overwhelmingly beautiful. You can't help but to wait patiently in the dark because you know that He will come again, take your hand and take you to the Light. You just have to give it to Him.

"Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see we wait with endurance." Romans 8:24-25

A Sunset.

I took this at Sands last night, right outside of IV. I really don't know why I am not out there every night watching the sunset. This almost seems unreal to me. Perhaps there is a fine reason as to why things existing in this world that are so beautiful seem out of this world.

"My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here." John 18:36