My past and the teabag

I am going to start off by blatantly saying that today was the best day of my life. I know this is a bold statement, but if you haven't noticed, this blog begins with the word 'fire' so just expect nothing less. I am Yvette Lindsay Johnson and my outlook on life has been radically transformed over the last few months. I remember talking to an old friend one year ago about our beliefs, and really lack there of, and proclaiming to be an atheist. I was not interested in searching for something to 'comfort' my insecurities that I could not tangibly see and know for sure existed. Yes...I denied any existence of God. Little did I know that during this time I WAS worshipping a god....a god with only temporal powers that could not provide the truth to everything. I was living for a god called me. By living for me, I attained happiness and satisfaction through the little successes of things I could have control over. When things didn't go my way I grew impatient, upset, and worried, or I gave all of my efforts to control and alter the situation into fitting into the ideal image I had in my head.

I believed that people turned to God and religion to find comfort in knowing that there was something on the other side, to find meaning in their lives, and to know that they had some sort of nonsensical purpose. I was incredibly unattracted to the hypocrisy I witnessed among 'believers' in the church. Empty actions. Not what I was about. I may have been living for myself, but I did this because it was the only Truth I knew of at the time. I was raised in a family that periodically attended Catholic Mass, praying every so often before dinner, and turning to God when things 'got tough.' Once I got to college, I realized how much of these actions meant nothing to me. If it is one thing I held dear to me, it was the value of life itself. I do not like wasting time, and so I was going to soak up the most that this life had to offer, and that did not mean seeking truth in a God I do not believe in, submitting to arbitrary rules imposed by others, and going beyond my comfort zone of 'success' in the 'real' world. I was going to eat up everything that life had to offer because I was in control of everything that was coming my way. It was all about me, how much I could do, the impact I could have on the world, and the work that I put into it. Notice the constant 'I' theme going on here.

Well I did that for quite a while. I even told my parents of my denial of God. My mother was crushed, just absolutely heart broken. She never really spoke too much about it to me, mostly because I would just always beg her not to bring it up. I never lost love, and I sure loved my parents all the same as I love them today. I did not want a difference of ideology to separate us. So my mom eased up on the God-talk, feel-good bible Emails, and stopped forcing any sort of theological questioning when I visited. It was totally comfortable. I was able to go to my mom about ANYTHING. Nora (my mom) was there for me ALWAYS and so incredibly patient with me. Even though I lived seven hours south, our love grew stronger than it ever had been before as we totally spilled all of our feelings out to each other just about everyday in our morning Emails and weekend phone calls. I would call her at 2am crying, and she would be there with the perfect answer. Little did I know that this was my way of crying out to God. It was my gateway to finding truth, in an indirect and earthly way. Being all that I knew as true, Nora guided me through some of the most uncomfortable times and gave me wisdom that I now find in the Bible and prayers. God was using her, speaking through her, and growing our relationship so strong, that I could later realize the infinite love that He had for me.

Thus my quest for truth prospered. I was living in a temporarily rich life. I valued my relationships with my friends and family, my passion to soak up life, my deep love for dance, and my appreciation for living. I found even more identification with modern philosophers, especially the writings of Nietzsche, and thought that this 'valuable' life of mine was enough. I had goals that I would attain and an adventurous life to look forward to share with all of my beloved friends and family.

The end of my Fall Quarter this past school year proved to be a long stretch as dead week finished with a double feature show, full technique classes that I never wanted to miss, and warm-up classes added onto our already busy schedule. I got hurt...and not just a little injury I can ignore until it goes away. I unknowingly broke a rib on my right side, the same side where my partner, Sean, had to hold be numerous times during every performance during our duet. Partnering wasn't the only thing that hurt. I felt so much pain stretching my right side, exalting too much energy, and even deep breathing. I was broken...physically and emotionally. Here I was, in a situation did not satisfy me, and no matter what I did, I did not possess the power to control things and fix them myself. I had been waiting all quarter for this performance, and really to perform in general. Dancing is what I live for and for once, I was feeling like a slave to my body. So I did the only think I knew...I called Nora. After asking all of the unimportant logistical questions about my pain she told me that she would pray for me. Instead of rolling my eyes and ignoring this statement like usual, I said...."please do!" I tried to be 'strong' and tough it out, but the intense pain persisted throughout the week. On the night of dress rehearsal my friend Meredith noticed that I was upset and not feeling myself. I told her about my pain and she said she would pray for me too. For some reason, I trusted Meredith's faith and somehow believed that a 'believer' like her might actually make fix me. I rode my bike home in the dark and cried. I felt pathetic. I looked up at the moon and said hello to God for the first time in years.

On opening night, my pain was still there, I was scared but somehow I knew that I was going to dance. When I went into my beginning position, I thought about my dance and the dance alone. I felt no pain on my right side, even when all of my weight was pressed on it into Sean's hand. I soaked every moment of that piece and indulged in every movement to its fullest. The next week my pain completely went away and a layer of bone grew over where it hurt, I found out then that it had been broken.

That same week of finals, I sat alone in my apartment studying and drinking tea, as I usually do in my room. Now let me tell you, I took my tea bag quotes very seriously. They consisted of quotes from philosophers, artists, the bible, and really any sort of important influential figure in the world.

"You must live for something higher and bigger that you."

That was it. The first hint I got. I started journaling, realizing how much I really do live for myself and not really anything higher. Yes, I lived for my goals, my passions, and my desire to make the world a better place...but where did this all come from. Why did I want these things? Why was a living? And the fire was lit.

I went on to take my final that evening, biking my way to the end of Isla Vista to the other side of the UCSB campus, totally consumed by this thought. As I looked up at the mountains on my bike ride, I knew that there had to be something more, but I was afraid to invest my devotion to something false. 'No half-assed' actions, I would say to myself. So I continued to live in wonder for a while.

There was one thing I did know for sure at the end of Fall Quarter, there was something greater and higher that existed. It controlled what I valued and how I decided to live my life.