Hope in the hurt

It is Tuesday of dead week. Week 10 of winter quarter....like many dancers I have talked to today, my body kind of hurts. I have had a lot of time in the studio this quarter...so much that I am really glad that I did not feel as though things were getting monotonous until this week. So what changed? It definitely was not my rehearsal schedule. That has remained pretty consistent all quarter long...which is basically a lot, not too much, but a lot. I have been reluctant to admit that to myself because I know that so many other people have schedules very similar to mine and even busier. I love what I study so for me the more the merrier. What happens when what you want does not actually live up to the part you love about it? I feel no different about dance than I did before, I have even been surprised when people tell me 'its just hard sometimes,' because yeah it gets hard, but it is so good and totally worth it. I am now eating my words because I am saying the same thing. It is hard right now. Actually it always was and it always will be. It is whether we see things as difficult or not. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has. There is something bitter that I am not allowing myself to let go of. I have got to admit, sometimes I take the lazy, somewhat prideful way out, and ignore these feelings of bitterness. I know that there is so much goodness I can be soaking up, so I ignore grace and allow myself to tuck that bitterness away so that I can go straight to the good stuff. But the good stuff exists in the releasing of the bad.

Comparing myself to other people. Blaming myself for not becoming a better dancer. Blaming my classes for not giving me the class I need. Blaming other people's attitudes influencing me. Only seeing my lack of ability or lack of natural talent. Taking myself to seriously. Taking my life personally.

Its all a lie. It is all not I was made to live up to. I was not created to live up to the silly expectations that I made up in my mind. How can I think that my meager and selfishly motivated efforts are actually going to lead to TRUE happiness?

Contrary to my current state, I really feel that these feeling have not been running my quarter by any means. Actually for the first time, I truly have been feeling free from all of these things. Allowing myself to be worthy of freedom has been liberating. Perhaps it is because I am finally letting go of myself and letting truth not just be known in my mind, but actually begin to run some of my life. I have been happy this quarter. I know that I fear not being right with people. I am have no problem owning up to my mistakes and recognizing my imperfections. What I do is let myself live by the limits of those 'mistakes.' I find that I feel guilty allowing myself to be upset because it displeases people and really myself too. But that is not honest. That is halfway honest with myself. It is ok to be upset. I mean its in the painful circumstances that we actually see our faith the clearest. Its seeing the good in the pain, without living off of the pain itself, but understanding the grace completely wiping that weakness out forever.

So maybe the things that I am doing do not make me overwhelmingly joyful all of the time. Maybe I feel pain, but I only stay there for fear of not getting out. And I know I cannot get out alone. I, alone, have the choice to let love in. Love is there to ALWAYS mend those wounds and make those parts that were hurt stronger than ever. When we see the grace of love we soon allow ourselves to live in the faith we had all along. Its that pain that gives you clear eyes to see it.

Things are hard sometimes. It hurts. But it hurts so good. It is not pain that decides the person that I am. It is love.