Cloud 9 for life

Ever walk on cloud 9? Ever walk on cloud 9 so long that you feel yourself about to fall because there is just no way you could be this high for so long? I know I have. I have this friendly acquaintance with a character named guilt. Maybe you've heard of him? Anyways, he likes to come in and ruin my party up above on cloud 9 and tell me that there is no way that I can be this happy and free from him for this long and to get down immediately. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly aware of how blessed I am, and quite thankful. But then I go on the news and read about the millions of starving orphans in Africa, see fellow friends struggling to pay rent and tuition all on their own, and see a mother pushing her baby in a carriage carrying recycled alcohol containers in the basket to put food on the table. I go about my days and see what has been handed to me, where my efforts are devoted, and how much of my day brings me joy. And then the guilt chimes in.

"Why you? You aren't this deserving. What have you done to help this world. Feel bad about how spoiled you are and get out there and start working like everyone else. Live up to those standards that society has for you already and stop being so caught up in this peace of yours that gets your through everyday with a smile. "

My struggle with guilt has been exposed to me several times over the last couple of months. I have discovered that guilt is not a character out to get me, but something inside of me that holds me back because I fear allowing myself to accept my blessings. Why is so much good scary? It is scary because it is out of my control what I am given...and not being in control of my life is a scary thing. But the thing is, I am where I am for a reason. The things I am given are out of my control, and therefor are gifts. I did not ask for the means to be able to study dance in a beautiful Santa Barbara with an overwhelmingly kind community and supportive family back home. Nor did I ask for God to forgive me of all of my sins. I am correct in assuming that I am undeserving of all of these blessings, but nor am I deserving of punishment. God gave me these things for a greater purpose. Just as God gave all of humanity Jesus Christ for the greatest purpose, salvation.

I am not saying that I am ignoring those out there who are suffering and trying to remain in my happy little bubble. What I am trying to get at is that no amount of blessings or happiness defines true joy. And all of these things I talk about, studying what I love, having a sturdy home, good friends, ect, these are just details. My true joy does not come from these things, but in the fact that my identity is secure in Christ. I know that all of my debts are paid for. There is nothing I could do, nothing materialistic that I could give up to prove how much of my identity rests in Christ. Nor is there any reason to prove anything to anyone, including myself. It is true that these things might inevitably occur as one allows the Spirit to enter them and overflow into the world. Working for the sake of works is no way to salvation. Why would you do that? To get a temporary pat on the back for feeding the hobos. Yes, the homeless need to be fed, and I'd rather have someone feed them for self-assuring reasons then not having them fed at all, but unfortunately that is not going to lead to joy. Why the heck do we even seek true joy? Because it is true to ones heart. Because we know that true joy is contagious, and true joy is not something to keep to yourself....because its just so great that you want everyone to know about it and get in on it!

So this whole guilt thing...it is not true. It is the same thing as living vicariously from pleasure to pleasure. When the pleasure is gone...so is the happiness. That aint true joy. But it one has joy, it is not wrong to be joyful about it. I know this is kind of a backwards thing to be going through, but I am finding that it stems from my need to live up to society's, family's, and my own FALSE expectations. Those expectations are created my ME. They don't exist. If I don't live up to 'the plan' the world is not going to explode or anything. If I rest all of my identity in them then it is very likely that I will have some sort of a meltdown and my 'joy' and peace will be temporarily disturbed. So these disturbances in my joy have revealed to me how much more there is to give. And my 'so much more' I do not mean those tangible things that I love, but the super complicated knots I have tied up to them. They are a lot tighter than I thought.

But fear not reader, for the good news is that Jesus meets us where we are at.....ALWAYS! Another nice fact is that its pretty certain that the majority of the people out there are going through identical mini-identity crisis's...they are just covered up by different 'details.' These people can talk to you, exchange advise and show you that you are not a crazy person stuck in the muck in your head. And the even BETTER news is that God put you exactly where you are, even if you have fought against it, God knew it, and is working with it. He sent Jesus down to pay the price for all of these ties that we have made with the world. Yes, we are of the flesh, so we will never stop sinning, but our willingness to seek God and be with Him always is enough to reach salvation. He knows, and grows happy when we recognize Him and what He did for us.

Hopefully you understand at what I am getting at. If so, great, if not and you are ever struggling with any sort of guilt for receiving what you are given, just rest, receive what is there for you....its there for a reason...one might even go so far as to say for THE reason. Being on cloud 9 is not a reason to feel guilty. Real cloud 9 never goes away...you may jump down for a little moment, but He will always lend the helping hand back up to stay forever in the Kingdom.

Jesus said it right. He tells us to not feel guilt over what is out of our control.

"You would have not power over me if it had not been given to you from above." (John 19:11)

Blindfolded

Imagine that you live life with a blindfold on. Your whole life is about figuring out how to get around in this world hidden by this blindfold. The only thing you let guide you are the things in which you can actually perceive with your senses. Your heart is shaped by your self gain and what others, also blinded, tell you to believe. Even though you can't see everything, there is someone that can actually see the world for what it really is. This someone is actually a really trustworthy friend. The whole time this friend that is trying to hold your hand and guide you to where your heart really wants to go. You keep resisting the guidance of this friend, even though this friend says that they have a much clearer perspective of what is going on. Somehow you just can't seem to trust this friend, but something inside of you knows that this friend really does know your heart, and is going to lead you out of this dark world and into the light. Slowly but surely you decide to trust this friend. It is really scary to trust this friend because you cannot see Him, but you can feel him. He is promising to transform your life and give you everything in your wildest dreams, but only if you trust Him. Trusting him means completely letting go of what you previously had planned in your blinded world that you used to walk alone in. You must untie the knots that you have tightened that kept you comfortably attached to this dark world, and at times it is really challenging because you let these knots get really complicated. Luckily this friend completely unties all of these knots for you, you just have to let Him completely work in you. He doesn't want to untie half of these knots, He wants to untie all of them. It is the only way that He is going to be able to take you to the light. As you grow to trust this Friend more and more, you don't even care where He is taking you, because you know that it is good, because the painful knots are being untied and you are gaining sight of light. Soon you are able to walk with a truthful vision of the world, but only because you trust this friend so much that you never let go of His hand. This friend of yours is God. The blindfold is only untied by faith. The knots are idols. The great news is that no matter if you let God in or not, He is always going to have your back. Why? Because He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But why would you want to remain in the darkness when you could finally see light? Soon you aren't even concerned where this friend takes you, just so long as it is with Him. The whole walk is exciting and full of grace from His love. It is overwhelmingly beautiful. You can't help but to wait patiently in the dark because you know that He will come again, take your hand and take you to the Light. You just have to give it to Him.

"Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see we wait with endurance." Romans 8:24-25

A Sunset.

I took this at Sands last night, right outside of IV. I really don't know why I am not out there every night watching the sunset. This almost seems unreal to me. Perhaps there is a fine reason as to why things existing in this world that are so beautiful seem out of this world.

"My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here." John 18:36

One real good pie.

This summer has been full of really amazing blessings. My first seven weeks have been devoted to studying dance in San Francisco, California and Tel Aviv, Israel. If I could sum it up in one sentence it is this: Dance has changed forever in all of the best ways possible. I have learned that I have a lot of knots tied to the identity of being a dancer. I felt a lot of guilt for a while and even felt as though dance was going to be taken away from me. Oh silly girl, punishing herself for this oh too common sin of resting in the comfort of an identity. Punishment?...sounds like karma. That aint how it works in the Kingdom. God does not want to take away things to punish us, He wants to change our hearts for Him so that we no longer need these things we are tied to. In this way, we hand these things back to him, and that is the fruit of the Lord. And why would dance be taken away? Is dance a sin? No. Attachment to the identity of being a dancer is the problem. Dance is a gift...a gift to glorify and explore His beauty. It is such a wonderful means of expressing a message, whether that be an important one or not, it is another language to speak to the nations. Its kind of rad.

So now I am at this place where I see that there is a really

wonderful relationship I got going on with God, but its not just me. There is so much more out there. So how are these blessings poured out to other people? I wanted to know so badly so that I could go out into the world and 'do' something about it...keep writing my life out for myself. But wait...isn't that another attachment? Oops...yeah I guess so. So how do I combat that? Without doing anything but remaining in the Word. At my first night back at Adorn, Reality Carpenteria, I was searching for a 'feeling' of presence. Once again, silly girl. I was looking for 'something to do,' to be the author of my own story again. There is a blindfold metaphor that I will go further into another day, but basically I think a lot. Too much sometimes. These thoughts inside of my head are dangerous because I start conjuring up what I 'ought' to be doing for the Lord. I looked up as I sat on my knees during worship looking for those answers that I oh too often seek. The words "HOLY BIBLE" stood above my head hanging off the podium. Well thanks God. The Word.

"If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Ironically, this is the first bible verse I have ever encountered, last April. I found it in the back of a set of reading articles I had was assigned for Latin American Iberian Studies class.

There was not much biblical reference, nor was this verse part of the reading, it was just accidently included in the set of pages I printed from my professor's Email. I accidentally read this verse. Funny huh? Well the book of John has had a lot for me lately, especially this verse.

I see my life becoming so much simpler. Now simpler does not mean easier. REST. It is a hard concept for me to grasp. I am a doer, as one could see if they noted the numerous homemade pies made while I am bored. Lately God really wants me to take things easy as far as the load and really invest quality time into the few obligations I do have. (at first acceptance of this I made one really great pie instead of 5 ok ones.) Ever since I entered UCSB I knew I would be double majoring. That part of my agenda has been pruned off, as I know that I wan

t to put everything into my dance BFA. Not only will I be able to explore dance without the burden of extra schoolwork, but I will have time to give those blessings back. I have a lot of ideas that have entered my heart for the coming school year for dance and beyond and I am very curious and excited to see what He unfolds for me.

Not only am I excited for these ideas, but I am excited to rest and make really great pies.