Rest. It is a really great thing, and a pretty easy thing for most people to allow themselves to do, but then there are those other people that are always up doing things and never seem to allow themselves a break. Rest is so difficult for me to accept because most of the time I am just never tired...I guess it is just the way I have been programed so far. Of course I am human, and I do get worn down, but when this weird foreign feeling that some people call 'exhaustion' or 'illness' comes, I freak out and don't exactly know how to lay down for so long. I am so willing to accept a lot of gifts that are offered to me, but rest is really hard, because it puts me out of the driver's seat and makes me sit in the back without exactly knowing where I am going to go. 2011 has been the biggest transitional year of my life, probably even a bigger transition from moving away from home to Santa Barbara. I am really starting to digest the fact that I have never once sat in the drivers seat. There have been a lot of moments this year where I have accepted my role to safely sit shotgun and see my wise Father drive my life out in the sweet path He planned, but there have also been those moments where I have fought for the wheel so hard that I lose all my energy and I just have to close my eyes and lay in the back seat. Fighting for the driver's seat is exhausting, especially because we are never going to win. We can think that we are driving everything happening in our lives when things seem to be working out under our control. The world is a whole lot bigger than us, someone else drives it. No matter how hard we try to understand every detail that we want to get ahold over, its never going to happen. There are always things that we didn't account for, and that is when we get exhausted, take a step back, and let the true driver work his magic.
These last two weeks have definitely been the most challenging of the quarter. I didn't really realize that it was an intense quarter until I started looking at all of my days together and saw how much I was doing. I saw that all of my time was consumed at the studio, and I wasn't taking proper rest. Instead, I tired myself out checking my facebook, worrying about my future, and letting myself be upset at myself and others at what now I see was nothing. I guess we are humans and we learn from our mistakes. How do you rest when you have something that you are obligated to do during every hour of the day? This is pretty hard if you try to do it alone, but I am seeing that you get out of the habit of thinking that it is you, who is personally getting through every moment, and hand it to God. Rest in every moment of the day and adore the fact that this is where you are supposed to be. Technically it can all be done, and you don't have to spend extra time anticipating the fact that there is so much to be done. Your body might get tired, in that case, do what your body is telling you to do. I have learned that this is a different way of hearing the opportunities for rest.
I know that everyone says this now adays, but maybe they are all saying it because it is true. BE PRESET. Seriously, if your really present in what is happening, your state is consumed by exactly what you are in instead of what will be, has been, or are away from. If you are tired, accept it, sit down, do what tired people do until the tired is gone. If you have something that you have to do when you are tired, think about the facts: You are tired. You have something to do that you absolutely can't get out of. God loves you. God would not give you anything that couldn't be handled. You have not been handed a way out. Hmmm. With all of these factors lets do what seems to be faithfully logical. Give it to God. I mean, it should have been given to Him to begin with, but hey we are humans and we get side-tracked my what our silly worldly eyes see sometimes...thank God for grace! He has got it!
I realize that I am somewhat jumping all over the place, but its just a bit of what has been going through my mind to my heart lately. Everything that I say is what I am learning and what I am still trying to get right myself.
This morning I woke up at 6:45. (I understand that this is an odd thing to do on break, but its just been the way I work since I was seven.) I did the logical thing and woke up. I was kind of tired, but I went along with my day anyway. I drove to a yoga class that I thought started at 8am. It was closed and I found out that my class was not until 12. Bless the Lord! I drove home, baked some corn bread with the little excitement I had to give something to my brother when he woke up, and went back to bed. Rest. This morning is very much how I am handling things lately. I am learning to accept rest. Sure, I don't take the hints right away (I really like to think I am driving) but God gracefully gives me more hints. So I guess I am learning from my mistakes and successes everyday...now I really hope I can do more than learn and reflect, but actually act on all of this.
I doubt that people can see the beauty of the matter that are burdened with exhaustion and fatigue. Life is easier than that. We never need to pick up the wheel, frankly we don't possess the means for that.
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-29.
God is so good. Life is so good. I am so grateful to be alive and thankful to be here. Right here. Present. Available for all of the scenery out the window on this sweet ride I don't have to drive at all. It is all part of that long drive home.
God totally brings rest in our lives.
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